Originally published on Your Tango 8/8//16
Small variants in communication can make or break the relationship.
He’s mad. You’re mad. You’re both defensive and somehow the argument is no longer about the original disagreement. It has now become a battle of who will be right and who will be wrong. In the heat of the moment, we often say things to sway the conversation our way, even if it’s not 100% true. Small variants in our language make a big difference when communicating with a spouse or partner. Try changing a few bad language habits so that you can both stick to the point and fix the original disagreement you need to be settled. These small changes can make a big difference, specifically becoming a relationship that lasts versus one that doesn't.
1. Don't use the word "always" or "never."
“You always leave your clothes on the floor.”
“You are always negative with the kids.”
"You're never home to help put the kids to bed."
Using one of the two words listed above will put your partner on automatic defense. Why? Because it absolutely can't be true. There will never be a time where “always” works, because there will always be at least one exception to the rule. Same goes for "never." He can’t always leave his clothes on the floor. At least one time he put it in the basket. He can’talways be negative with the kids. At least one time he’s hugged his child or asked how their day was. If needed you can say, “often,” “a lot of times,” "rarely," or "very little" but if you say always, you’ve just added on an additional fight.
2. Make it about your needs, not about what he does or does not do.
You’re not going to get your point across by pointing fingers. Instead, turn things around and make it about what you need, not about what he does or doesn’t do.
Instead of saying: “You never snuggle anymore.”
Try saying: “I am a person who needs to be snuggled.”
Instead of saying: “You never shut the garage door before you go to bed and it drives me nuts.”
Try saying: “I need to go to bed each night feeling safe and I can’t do that if I’m worried about someone breaking in."
3. Bring things up as they come up, instead of throwing them all out during a fight.
It’s easy to hold things inside to try to avoid a fight. But because of our innate desire to be right all the time, those things tend to creep out during a later fight. If you and your partner are in the heat of the moment arguing, throwing out three more things that have bothered you the in last month will only make that fight four times harder to get over. Use your “I” statements anytime you need. Your partner will be much more open to problem solving the little things when both of you are calm and not in a dispute.
4. Compliment each other often.
Research has shown for someone in the workforce to perform at their best, they need six positive comments to negate just one negative comment. You need even more of a positive to negative ratio in a relationship because you’re twice as invested. Every time you tell your man he’s hot, or that you’re lucky to have him, or that you appreciate him being so handy around the house...it makes him feel needed and wanted. When a future fight comes up, he will feel your relationship is more solid. This will keep his perception focused on you getting your needs met instead of having the perception that you’re unhappy in the relationship and trying to change everything about him.
5. Watch your tone, voice level and curse words.
Nothing spirals a fight out of control more than explosive yelling at one another, cursing at one another or using a nasty tone of voice. You may not be able to change your partner's tone or voice level, but you can control your own. If half of the battle is under control (as in YOU), that means half of the fight is under control. Emotions tend to take over during these times instead of logical thinking. If you stay in control, you can think logically. Even more, you will stay respectful. Showing respect for one another, especially during arguments, is essential to a happy relationship.
6. Offensive comments will get you nowhere. Leave them out.
Six months after a fight, often couples forget what the fight was about. What neither of you will forget though are the sharp jabs that dehumanize one another or make the other feel inept or invaluable. Offensive comments linger and build resentment in a relationship. Don’t invite that into your relationship.
Learning to rewire how you and your partner speak with one another isn’t an easy task, especially if there has been a pattern for years that needs to be broken. With anything, focus on changing just one thing at a time. Master that skill before taking on the next. Once you’ve become a language master during arguments, you’ll find they are shorter and less nasty. Additionally, the discussions will be based more on love and communication and less about winning the war.
Small variants in communication can make or break the relationship.
He’s mad. You’re mad. You’re both defensive and somehow the argument is no longer about the original disagreement. It has now become a battle of who will be right and who will be wrong. In the heat of the moment, we often say things to sway the conversation our way, even if it’s not 100% true. Small variants in our language make a big difference when communicating with a spouse or partner. Try changing a few bad language habits so that you can both stick to the point and fix the original disagreement you need to be settled. These small changes can make a big difference, specifically becoming a relationship that lasts versus one that doesn't.
1. Don't use the word "always" or "never."
“You always leave your clothes on the floor.”
“You are always negative with the kids.”
"You're never home to help put the kids to bed."
Using one of the two words listed above will put your partner on automatic defense. Why? Because it absolutely can't be true. There will never be a time where “always” works, because there will always be at least one exception to the rule. Same goes for "never." He can’t always leave his clothes on the floor. At least one time he put it in the basket. He can’talways be negative with the kids. At least one time he’s hugged his child or asked how their day was. If needed you can say, “often,” “a lot of times,” "rarely," or "very little" but if you say always, you’ve just added on an additional fight.
2. Make it about your needs, not about what he does or does not do.
You’re not going to get your point across by pointing fingers. Instead, turn things around and make it about what you need, not about what he does or doesn’t do.
Instead of saying: “You never snuggle anymore.”
Try saying: “I am a person who needs to be snuggled.”
Instead of saying: “You never shut the garage door before you go to bed and it drives me nuts.”
Try saying: “I need to go to bed each night feeling safe and I can’t do that if I’m worried about someone breaking in."
3. Bring things up as they come up, instead of throwing them all out during a fight.
It’s easy to hold things inside to try to avoid a fight. But because of our innate desire to be right all the time, those things tend to creep out during a later fight. If you and your partner are in the heat of the moment arguing, throwing out three more things that have bothered you the in last month will only make that fight four times harder to get over. Use your “I” statements anytime you need. Your partner will be much more open to problem solving the little things when both of you are calm and not in a dispute.
4. Compliment each other often.
Research has shown for someone in the workforce to perform at their best, they need six positive comments to negate just one negative comment. You need even more of a positive to negative ratio in a relationship because you’re twice as invested. Every time you tell your man he’s hot, or that you’re lucky to have him, or that you appreciate him being so handy around the house...it makes him feel needed and wanted. When a future fight comes up, he will feel your relationship is more solid. This will keep his perception focused on you getting your needs met instead of having the perception that you’re unhappy in the relationship and trying to change everything about him.
5. Watch your tone, voice level and curse words.
Nothing spirals a fight out of control more than explosive yelling at one another, cursing at one another or using a nasty tone of voice. You may not be able to change your partner's tone or voice level, but you can control your own. If half of the battle is under control (as in YOU), that means half of the fight is under control. Emotions tend to take over during these times instead of logical thinking. If you stay in control, you can think logically. Even more, you will stay respectful. Showing respect for one another, especially during arguments, is essential to a happy relationship.
6. Offensive comments will get you nowhere. Leave them out.
Six months after a fight, often couples forget what the fight was about. What neither of you will forget though are the sharp jabs that dehumanize one another or make the other feel inept or invaluable. Offensive comments linger and build resentment in a relationship. Don’t invite that into your relationship.
Learning to rewire how you and your partner speak with one another isn’t an easy task, especially if there has been a pattern for years that needs to be broken. With anything, focus on changing just one thing at a time. Master that skill before taking on the next. Once you’ve become a language master during arguments, you’ll find they are shorter and less nasty. Additionally, the discussions will be based more on love and communication and less about winning the war.