Originally published on Your Tango 8/6/15
Here's an opportunity to handle your marital issues on your own first, before seeking outside help.
Marriage is hard, that’s no secret. Our country has the divorce rates to prove it, with 40-50% of marriages being doomed from the start. So what can you do to keep your marriage from becoming another statistic? Marriage counseling is certainly one option and statistics show that it can work, with up to 75% of couples being better off from where they started. But what if you don’t have the funds for marriage counseling? What if things are bad but not that bad? Worse, what if one of you flat out refuses to go? You’d want a back-up plan of course, right? Well today’s your lucky day.
Before you get all excited about the prospect of free counseling, where you don’t have to leave the house or share each others' flaws in front of an absolute stranger, be cognizant of where you are in your relationship. For the method I created and am laying out below, you have to have a marriage where there is still mutual trust and respect. You both have to be on board with wanting to get things back on track. Last, you both have to be in a place where you are willing to admit your shortcomings and problem solve as partners to work on what is needed. If those things aren’t there, my in-home therapy program likely won’t work and you should seek professional help...soon. The reason marriage counseling usually doesn’t work is because couples wait until it is too late to go.
Now if your relationship is in a place where you love one another but something is missing, or both of you are doing something that drive the other absolutely nuts, then this free and time-saving plan just might work for you.
At Home Therapy
Step 1: Does your relationship teeter totter or is it constantly sinking? Be honest. If it is sinking, stop reading this and go Google marriage counselors in your area. If it is teeter tottering, continue to step two.
Step 2: After reading this article in full, print it and sit down with your partner. Tell him or her the relationship has felt strained lately. Suggest working on things at home in a very structured way. This includes having your own therapy sessions, just the two of you, once a week in the comfort of your own home. If your partner is in then read on.
Step 3: Decide on a name for your meetings, a time and a day of the week that works best. Some ideas: Marriage Night: 7-7:20, Sunday Council: 8:00-8:20 or Commitment Meeting: 10-10:20. I suggest a twenty minute time frame. If it goes over and you’re making headway, then keep going.
Step 4: Give your partner his/her first homework assignment. Sometime before your first meeting you each need to write on an index card the one thing you would like to change most in the marriage. Start your sentence with “I need…”.
Let me give you some background on why I am telling you to pick just one thing. When working with a struggling child, teachers don’t hyper focus on ten different things even though there may be ten different problems. Instead, they focus on one. It is much easier to change one behavior at a time than to overwhelm a child with all the things they are doing wrong or can’t do. Here’s a public service announcement; adults are no different. Realistically an adult can change one behavior if that is all they are focusing on.
Typically when two people are fighting they are angry and defensive. They bring up past incidences and other issues in the marriage. This makes the conversation spiral out of control and lead to no progress. So instead of doing this, you are going to be proactive. You are going to meet with your partner when you are not angry and you are only going to talk about the one thing that you need right now in order to be happier in the relationship.
Maybe you need more PDA. Maybe you need to be talked to with more terms of endearment. Maybe you need your partner to stop drinking every night. Maybe you need more help around the house. Whatever it is, you and your partner will write it down on an index card or post-it note. Then keep it secret and save it until your first meeting.
Step 5: Have your first meeting. Each of you will need to bring a notebook, a pen, your index card, patience, hope and love. When you sit down, take the lead by reading your index card and explaining why you need what you are asking. Then let your partner have a turn. Each of you will write the date in your notebook and what need both of you expressed. Resist the temptation of talking about anything else other than what is on your index card.
Step 6: Turn your partner’s need into a goal. Write down what you plan to do that week to make your partner’s need (your goal) happen. If your partner says he needs more attention, write down when and how you will give him that. If your partner says she needs moreaffection, write down the specific types of affection you will give her and how often you will do it. You have ONE week to fulfill your partner’s need the best way you can. Talk to each other about your goal and action plan.
Step 7: Exactly one week later, at your next scheduled meeting, you each discuss how things went and how it made you feel. If your partner failed, then that continues to be their goal for the next week. If your partner was successful, you can decide to either keep the goal for another week for additional reinforcement or you can move onto your second goal. Don’t expect to move along at the same goal rates. Some “needs” are much bigger than others because some habits are harder to break than others.
Step 8: After four meetings you need to have a serious conversation. Is this method working? If it is, keep establishing goals for one another and keep meeting. If it isn’t then you should seriously look into professional help if you are both vested in keeping the marriage alive.
Staying married requires love but also the ability to put your partner’s needs above your own. Whether you chose professional help or to work on it together at home, you will have to be open to changing something. Remember the golden rule. Nothing will change if you don’t make a change. If you are unwilling to make the adjustments your partner needs, that's your decision. But you must prepare yourself for things not working out the way you hoped and promised they would when you got married. Love can be an unpredictable thing. Sometimes the ebbs and flows of marriage can stay in rhythm while other times the tide has pulled away with little chance of returning to shore. Honest, respectful communication is the number one magnet, giving any chance of pulling it back.
Here's an opportunity to handle your marital issues on your own first, before seeking outside help.
Marriage is hard, that’s no secret. Our country has the divorce rates to prove it, with 40-50% of marriages being doomed from the start. So what can you do to keep your marriage from becoming another statistic? Marriage counseling is certainly one option and statistics show that it can work, with up to 75% of couples being better off from where they started. But what if you don’t have the funds for marriage counseling? What if things are bad but not that bad? Worse, what if one of you flat out refuses to go? You’d want a back-up plan of course, right? Well today’s your lucky day.
Before you get all excited about the prospect of free counseling, where you don’t have to leave the house or share each others' flaws in front of an absolute stranger, be cognizant of where you are in your relationship. For the method I created and am laying out below, you have to have a marriage where there is still mutual trust and respect. You both have to be on board with wanting to get things back on track. Last, you both have to be in a place where you are willing to admit your shortcomings and problem solve as partners to work on what is needed. If those things aren’t there, my in-home therapy program likely won’t work and you should seek professional help...soon. The reason marriage counseling usually doesn’t work is because couples wait until it is too late to go.
Now if your relationship is in a place where you love one another but something is missing, or both of you are doing something that drive the other absolutely nuts, then this free and time-saving plan just might work for you.
At Home Therapy
Step 1: Does your relationship teeter totter or is it constantly sinking? Be honest. If it is sinking, stop reading this and go Google marriage counselors in your area. If it is teeter tottering, continue to step two.
Step 2: After reading this article in full, print it and sit down with your partner. Tell him or her the relationship has felt strained lately. Suggest working on things at home in a very structured way. This includes having your own therapy sessions, just the two of you, once a week in the comfort of your own home. If your partner is in then read on.
Step 3: Decide on a name for your meetings, a time and a day of the week that works best. Some ideas: Marriage Night: 7-7:20, Sunday Council: 8:00-8:20 or Commitment Meeting: 10-10:20. I suggest a twenty minute time frame. If it goes over and you’re making headway, then keep going.
Step 4: Give your partner his/her first homework assignment. Sometime before your first meeting you each need to write on an index card the one thing you would like to change most in the marriage. Start your sentence with “I need…”.
Let me give you some background on why I am telling you to pick just one thing. When working with a struggling child, teachers don’t hyper focus on ten different things even though there may be ten different problems. Instead, they focus on one. It is much easier to change one behavior at a time than to overwhelm a child with all the things they are doing wrong or can’t do. Here’s a public service announcement; adults are no different. Realistically an adult can change one behavior if that is all they are focusing on.
Typically when two people are fighting they are angry and defensive. They bring up past incidences and other issues in the marriage. This makes the conversation spiral out of control and lead to no progress. So instead of doing this, you are going to be proactive. You are going to meet with your partner when you are not angry and you are only going to talk about the one thing that you need right now in order to be happier in the relationship.
Maybe you need more PDA. Maybe you need to be talked to with more terms of endearment. Maybe you need your partner to stop drinking every night. Maybe you need more help around the house. Whatever it is, you and your partner will write it down on an index card or post-it note. Then keep it secret and save it until your first meeting.
Step 5: Have your first meeting. Each of you will need to bring a notebook, a pen, your index card, patience, hope and love. When you sit down, take the lead by reading your index card and explaining why you need what you are asking. Then let your partner have a turn. Each of you will write the date in your notebook and what need both of you expressed. Resist the temptation of talking about anything else other than what is on your index card.
Step 6: Turn your partner’s need into a goal. Write down what you plan to do that week to make your partner’s need (your goal) happen. If your partner says he needs more attention, write down when and how you will give him that. If your partner says she needs moreaffection, write down the specific types of affection you will give her and how often you will do it. You have ONE week to fulfill your partner’s need the best way you can. Talk to each other about your goal and action plan.
Step 7: Exactly one week later, at your next scheduled meeting, you each discuss how things went and how it made you feel. If your partner failed, then that continues to be their goal for the next week. If your partner was successful, you can decide to either keep the goal for another week for additional reinforcement or you can move onto your second goal. Don’t expect to move along at the same goal rates. Some “needs” are much bigger than others because some habits are harder to break than others.
Step 8: After four meetings you need to have a serious conversation. Is this method working? If it is, keep establishing goals for one another and keep meeting. If it isn’t then you should seriously look into professional help if you are both vested in keeping the marriage alive.
Staying married requires love but also the ability to put your partner’s needs above your own. Whether you chose professional help or to work on it together at home, you will have to be open to changing something. Remember the golden rule. Nothing will change if you don’t make a change. If you are unwilling to make the adjustments your partner needs, that's your decision. But you must prepare yourself for things not working out the way you hoped and promised they would when you got married. Love can be an unpredictable thing. Sometimes the ebbs and flows of marriage can stay in rhythm while other times the tide has pulled away with little chance of returning to shore. Honest, respectful communication is the number one magnet, giving any chance of pulling it back.